I'll admit it, I was a bit scared about what was going to happen. Oh, I was angry that Sebastian decided I needed to stay out of the way like a good girl because while I cannot fight with a sword in hand I can still defend myself. He can ask Valens about that one if he doesn't believe me. But as we huddled in the cove waiting for the ship to pass by I was getting more and more nervous because I've never done this before and I had no idea what to expect. Training with Praetorians is one thing, but a real battle with people honestly wanting you dead is a whole different situation altogether.
And so I waited in the crow's nest while the crew boarded the other ship. Granted, I was out of harm's way as Sebastian ordered, but I wasn't up in the skies and away from everything that was going on. A little defiant perhaps, but just in case things did get ugly I was going to be ready. Something happens and Sebastian's come up upon unexpectedly the gods know that his attacker will find himself thrown overboard before that blade can fly.
But just as soon as it began it ended. Seems Sebastian and the captain of the Defiant are old friends (and perhaps lovers?) She certainly seemed quite eager to see him. Too eager in fact. Part of me wanted to rip her to shreds right then and there. How *dare* she just assume that he wants her affections? The cheering of her own crew seemed only to spur her on. But I waited and watched. Sebastian didn't react in kind, he actually pushed her away. He refused her kiss and for a moment I felt a little better, but that anger still lingered. I imagine it was much like my first lesson with Valens. The attack around my throat was unexpected and certainly not wanted, but there was the brief moment of shock where I didn't respond at all. Does that mean I approved or wanted it? Not at all.
Once I had some time to cool down and talk with Lexa a bit I could smooth out my emotions and really get a better look at what was going on with me. I was mad at Caerlyn for taking what she wanted without so much as a by your leave, but I discovered I was jealous too. Jealous that she had the freedom to just steal a kiss because she wanted it, damn whatever anyone else though. But I cannot do that, not as a member of the crew. And the diplomatic side of me understands that. It would have been like me carrying on a relationship with a house servant, there just is not room for someone in a position of authority to appear in public to be favoring one member of the crew over another, even if everyone else knows about it anyway. What is done in private is between Sebastian and Zea, but what is done on deck and in other public forums is between the Captain and the Wind Mage. And while I accept it and understand it, I don't have to always like it. I mean, there are times when we're on deck and I look over and he's standing at the bow of the ship, looking out over the ocean with the winds blowing through his hair and feathers and he just looks incredibly handsome and powerful. I'm so tempted often to do just what Caerlyn did, pull him to me and show him how much I care. Or just to lay my head on his shoulder or an arm around his waist when he looks troubled, just to let him know I am there.
Eventually she came on board and I was there just as I intended to be. I learned a good deal from that small conversation, the history between the two ships and something of their history as well. But the look she gave me was, well it was inappropriate is what it was. And she give Sebastian a thumbs up, as if he somehow benefited from her approval of me. She wants him, that much is obvious. She might as well have come right out and said it for all the hinting she did. Well, that pirate hussy is going to be in for a surprise if our paths cross again and she assumes that she can have whatever she wants. I'm not about to back down on this. The gods smite me if I lie.
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It started out innocently, I swear it! Lexa and I were discussing what we could learn from each other and I asked if in exchange for my teaching her to read and write if she would help me to relax a bit, to make myself feel more comfortable in my new home. There was a mention of songs as well, for I only know a couple that might prove entertaining without being, well, embarrassing. Then there was that whole incident about the barrel with the hole in it and ... well the men now think the two of us are quite insane, I believe. I could not help myself, the images in my head were just too ridiculous, the things men will do to satisfy themselves, I swear!
But that was not it. Sebastian came up on deck and some innocent teasing and innuendo suddenly blossomed into me asking Lexa for another kind of education! My mother would be horrified, for sure. To ask a common cyprian for that kind of knowledge? Well, it is not as if mother is ever going to find out about it, but that does not stop me from hearing her voice in my head from time to time. Not surprisingly Sebastian seemed quite enthusiastic about the whole idea.
Men!
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| Date: | 2005-03-17 23:51 |
| Subject: | Unbelievable |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  angry, hurt and shocked |
OOC Note: Apologies to those of you reading this, but I must be vague in this entry to keep from revealing someone else's secret. Thanks for understanding.
Stunned. I am just ... there are no words to even describe what I'm feeling right now. I feel numb, like I've been punched in the stomach or my heart has been ripped out and it doesn't even affect me directly. I am furiously angry at the same time, feeling a rage I ever thought I would feel but, gods, who would ever expect to encounter something like this? When I was younger would I still be as affected by this, or would I just brush it off as how things are?
I felt ill when I first learned of it and I'm still thanking Apollo that I did not get physically sick then and there. I mean, I know it happens and I've heard of it, but I've never actually been witness to the after-effects and they're just ... I cannot even compose just how I feel.
And it's not even me, that is what is getting me. I'm not the one who suffered and yet it still hurts. I am glad, in a really weird way, that Sebastian knows. It would be so hard to lie to him and tell him nothing is wrong. It has got to be obvious, I can feel that I must look a little different and every so often I start to cry for seemingly no reason whatsoever.
I'm still stunned she trusts me enough with such a secret, but oddly glad as well.
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I've taken to exploring Raven's Cove a bit, as much as there is to explore. Not much for our first port but I think we've stumbled over something more than we know. A group of us went down to a shop called Trinkets and Treasures. I've seen storehouses that were more organized than this place and the abundance of smells in there was enough to choke you. And dear Apollo the woman that owns that shop was just, well I'm surprised she's not working down at the Mermaid, she's certainly got the, well, assets for it.
I think I know why the shop is such a mess; it would take you forever to poke through everything she has there and it gives her a chance to talk your ear off. But crowded and dusty shelves coupled with a loud mongrel isn't what bothers me. What bothers me is what she is selling. She was anxious to show me some jewelry. Some of this was junk but I about fainted when I saw one particular piece. It was a delicate gold necklace with a large topaz stone. The stone was smooth and if you look through it you can see the image of an Empyrean in the gold setting behind the stone. An unusual piece and I'll bet my magic it is the only one in the world. Strange thing is, I've seen this before and not here in Raven's Cove. Last place I saw it was around the neck of Domina Xenia Tritonides, back in Parnassus well over a year ago. I haven't seen her wear it since the pirates attacked the city and she did say a number of her valuables were stolen by them.
But that's not all of it. I was able to get away from the mongrel shopkeep after I bought it - yes I actually bought the thing, but what could I do, leave it there? I asked that Atlantean, Kalei to distract the woman while I talked to Minowa and Valens about what I found, but the Atlantean took off which was highly annoying. Only by the time I got over to them, they were in some deep discussion over a marble bust, an Empyrean bust. The damn thing came from the Basilica Drusus, I know that for certain, except the name of the Aegian is missing. Mother taught me well in the subject of Empyrean art. Perhaps the necklace was a copy, but dammit I know that sculpture. And from what Min and Valens were saying, they realized that bust doesn't belong here either. Then Valens finds this cloakpin and is suddenly drawn into the lies I'm telling this mongrel woman. He starts taking on this poor sailor routine, begging her to give it to him for a fair price, that he'll come back and buy more for his sweetheart back home after he gets paid in a couple of days and the woman is just lapping it up.
I don't know what's going on with that shop, if that woman knows what she has but by all the gods *I* know what she's got and it's stolen property. Who knows how many other cities' treasures are in that dusty little shop or in that city. I've got to tell Sebastian about this, and fast. We cannot leave Raven's Cove without dealing with this, that's for sure.
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| Date: | 2005-03-11 10:29 |
| Subject: | What a Mess |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  relieved |
By Apollo, I seem to be a magnet for trouble whenever I set foot into a tavern. Last evening Valens invited me to head into town for a meal. I'll admit, I'm pretty curious about this town and I was dying for something different to eat and Sebastian was busy, so I agreed. Well, the place reminded me of the Nereus, which wasn't a good sign, but we were not immediately accosted, so I let my guard down a little. The music was lively and I even recognized one of the songs, which had me quite amused. The food wasn't too bad and the bread was soft and warm, I'm tempted to go back if only for some more of that bread.
But then, of course, the evening couldn't end peacefully. These two mongrels approached and said we weren't wanted there. We certainly were not making any trouble and Valens even paid the girl far more than the meal was worth. Which reminds me, I need to pay him back, I don't like the idea of him paying for my meal when I can very well take care of myself. I'm guessing Empyreans aren't well received in this town, but gods, did they have to start a fight over it? I suppose diplomacy is a lost art among these folks, for the big guy threw a punch pretty quick, looked like he broke Valens' nose. I was able to almost get away, or lat east out of the range of one of their fists, but one of the locals seemed to think I was the Mermaid's newest girl. Thanks to that sailor who knocked him out from behind. I'm not completely helpless though, I was able to stop that smaller mongrel before he crashed that chair into Valens' back. I suppose being a town of all mongrels they aren't expecting a mage to ruin what I assume they believe to be a good down and dirty brawl. Strange thing was, as soon as the fight was over, it was over. No one else jumped up to start another round, it was like it was some sick sport. Strange.
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I'm still stunned by what Lexa told me and I don't know what to think. I admit that if our places were reversed I don't know if I could ever tell another woman what she told me, I don't think I'd have the courage because the gods only know what she might do. But I didn't do much of anything, though I don't think there was cause to. I mean, she said that she's not going to try and ruin what Sebastian and I have and she's not sure if he's really the reason anymore that she's really on the ship but it still really shook me up. I think I'm starting to like her and I'm glad she could be honest with me, but I feel like I've suddenly got to have my guard up about everything. What if she does still care for him, she said before how in her line of work she's learned how to read people and knows how to get them to do things. Even Minowa made a comment on it a few days ago. I don't know. I want to trust her, but should I? I did warn her though, and I was deadly serious about that. I'm not about to give up without a fight. But I really could use a couple friends on this voyage.
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| Date: | 2005-03-09 21:29 |
| Subject: | Calmer Seas |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  contemplative |
While things are by no means easier, some things are getting better. I'm starting to feel a bit more comfortable here. Not a member of the crew - I wonder if that will ever happen - but I do not feel like such an outcast here. Some of the sailors are speaking with me more and more and I feel like I'm starting to make some friends, if that's even possible.
Valens sent me a letter of apology for what happened the other morning. I heard some rumors, but they were so silly I just laughed them off. It was a nice gesture, I thought and I accepted the apology, but it has taught me a very valuable lesson. Or rather, the lesson has been re-taught. I should not have forgotten it in the first place. I think eventually I'll start with my lessons again, but for now my dagger is being stowed away. I don't think I'm quite ready for it yet. I'm probably tempting fate by doing so, but I figure at this point and time the fates owe me. I still haven't told Sebastian what happened that morning, but Valens claims he wants to apologize to the captain for what happened. I'll admit I'm a bit nervous about that for I'm unsure of Sebastian will be upset I didn't tell him first. But, it's my decision, I wasn't really hurt badly and the incident was apologized for and forgiven, so I'd rather leave it at that. If he's upset, well, I'll deal with that when and if it happens.
Lexa was recently freed, which was a bit of a surprise, to be honest. Not that I could really guess either way what Sebastian was going to do; I've stopped asking him about it. I thought she would remain there until we hit Raven's Cove but what do I know? She looked pretty bad, I have no idea how she's going to do all the work Mister Burke has her doing. Gods, she could hardly stand up, but maybe that'll disappear over time. Sebastian still seems quite angry over her presence, he barely spoke except to declare that I was not to be Lexa's sponsor. That was never my intention, I know I have no useful seaworthy skills to teach her, but the way he so firmly stated it was ... It's something I have to get used to. This idea of being subject to someone else's command is new to me. It still stung a bit that I did not have the chance to defend myself.
Maybe this is some kind of test from the gods or some kind of punishment for my own hubris. Well, punishment is too harsh, but I keep reading over some of my great-grandfather's writings and I am wondering if perhaps he's trying to teach me something? I don't know, perhaps I'm just looking for an excuse to make myself feel better about all of this.
Mister Burke said something today that really struck me, and it makes me wonder just how much Sebastian is sharing with his First Mate. Not that it bothers me that much, the man is like a father to him and I hold no ill will towards him, but it's really given me something to think about. Part of me is angry that Sebastian has to speak through someone else but part of me is incredibly touched by Mister Burke's words and perhaps in this case I need to learn to better restrain my anger. Maybe I needed to hear it from someone who isn't directly involved in the first place. Would I have listened if Sebastian had said the same thing or would I have gotten defensive again? I hope I can get some time alone with him, as difficult as that might be. I don't mean simply sleeping in the same bed, but some time to talk and hopefully get to really know each other better. This voyage is bringing changes to both of us and I would like to get to know him again.
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I don't even know why I am keeping a diary anymore, I've looked back over the entries and my life has been filled with misery. I feel like I don't even know Sebastian anymore, the look he gave me yesterday when we argued was enough to chill my blood. And I was half-serious about being put off at the next port as much as that hurts. But I wanted to hurt him, gods how I wanted him to feel my pain and for once try and understand that I hurt too. But he's already hurting, I can tell and I think that pains me more than any misery I'm feelings. I sometimes want to damn my heart for ever feeling anything for another person. Like he said, life would be easier if one was cold and heartless. The argument was painful and nothing at all like our other fights. This one scared me more than I want to admit.
I think I got through to him. Gods I hope so. I want him to know that I'm asking questions so that I can learn and maybe fit in here. Why can't he see that I'm here to support him, not to question his abilities and laugh at his failings? Why does he think every question is some kind of secret jab at him? Gods, I am so proud of him and he can't see that. I love him and he still looks for some hidden insult in the most simple of questions. He's having problems adjusting to being the ship's captain and now with that stowaway woman. He claims they were friends and there's the fact that she's a cyprian. I don't even want to further think on what that might mean. Not now.
And I talked to her again, taking her dinner down to her. I almost feel sorry for her. I did at first, when I originally met her, but I saw what her presence has done to Sebastian and I cannot feel sorry for her. Part of me wishes Sebastian would just drop her off at the next port and leave it at that. How can anyone treat a supposed friend like that? Can't she understand what kind of position she's putting him in? Does she even realize what this could do to him in the eyes of his crew if he makes an exception for her where he wouldn't for anyone else? He has a new crew and we've got months and years ahead of us, he has to command their loyalty now, has to have their support. Not that the crew is planning a mutiny or anything traitorous like that. From what I've heard, they speak well of him and think he's a capable captain. She said she knows he would have not let her join the crew if she had asked, so what does she do? She ignores his authority and does what she damn well pleases for some unspoken reason. What if the men who found her had not been as kind? Sebastian could have had to deal with rape on his ship so soon after leaving port! She just makes me so angry, and yet I have to keep it to myself because I cannot be seen trying to influence Sebastian in any way. He has to do this himself.
And then I offered to help her. What by Apollo is wrong with me? Am I that desperate for some kind of companionship that I'll seek it from a mongrel cyprian? I've been reduced to a woman sneaking around a ship's hold seeking a few kind words from a woman in a cell. But I will help her if Sebastian allows it. If he's going to put her off at the next port, I'll help her learn to read a little better and teach her some numbers so she can at least get a job that doesn't require her to spread her legs for any man that has the coin. Why the hell do I even care? I don't understand it.
There is one thing I do understand though, even though I loathe it with every ounce of my being. No matter where I go, I'm meant to be some man's property to order around as he wishes. Stay at home and my brother, by rights of his position as Deus, can marry me to whoever will make the best match. I marry the Princeps as he wanted and I'm on the path to be a puppet Empress to a man with so much political ambition it makes my head swim. I stay here and I become everything Sebastian promised my father I wouldn't be. I'm a member of his crew now, under his command. He made that very clear last night. But then afterwards he told me that he wants to be with me and wants me to be happy. I think he's as conflicted as me, I wish he could just be Sebastian when we're alone. If he would only believe me about how simple it would be for me to be happy.
Will I even be happy again, truly happy? Or am I just a glorified slave?
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| Date: | 2005-03-03 16:03 |
| Subject: | The nerve! |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  numb |
I thought that stunt with the potatoes was bad enough, but this was a hundred times worse. I don't know if I'm going to be able to survive this kind of training. And I swear to all the gods in the pantheon, he scared the life out of me. What am I doing? Why did I let my guard down? Because I'm on a ship, that somehow negates everything I've ever learned? My mother would be so ashamed of me, well if you ignore everything else I've done. I cannot do that, I cannot just open myself up to anyone I come across. Just because he was a Praetorian and comes from my world doesn't mean I should immediately trust him. I should have been suspicious as soon as he told me to slap him. Who in hades tells you to slap them if they aren't planning something. Gods I feel so stupid.
My neck is still sore from where he grabbed me. And how dare he do that, you just don't go choaking someone to prove some stupid point. I'll have to make an offering to Zeus in thanks for his gift, or else who knows what would have happened to me. He's so much bigger than me and no one seemed to be paying much attention. I don't even want to think what could have happened. Just because some sailors call me the Captain's Whore doesn't mean they can all treat me like that. He said he could violate me like a cyprian, can you imagine?
I didn't tell Sebastian about it though, and I don't plan on it unless he hears about it. He's enough to worry about already, I didn't come out here to be his burden, that's for sure. I've got to prove I can take care of myself out here, fight my own battles. Gods, I'd die if he ever felt he had to protect me and ended up the one in danger or ... or worse. No, I won't let him do that, no matter what he promised my father.
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| Date: | 2005-02-28 01:40 |
| Subject: | Potatoes! |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | angry |
I cannot believe, I just *cannot* believe it! I ask for a simple lesson in how to use the dagger I had made for me, just in case, and that man has the audacity to make me peel a potato with a smaller knife! I have no doubt I made a complete fool out of myself, proving I am completely inept in any matter that matters. I am not some cook's apprentice, if that Varati thinks he can start ordering me around and telling me to peel this or wash that he's got another thing coming.
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| Date: | 2005-02-28 01:24 |
| Subject: | Departure |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  scared |
The day has been a rush of emotions, I cannot even fully sort through the feelings I've gone through today. As soon as I settle on one, a hundred others seem to want to take presidence. There is excitement, surely but I would be lying if I didn't say I was nervous and a bit scared as well. But there is great sadness as well. When I first envisioned this journey there was far more fiction in it than fact, but as the time drew closer I began to realize just what I'm doing and who I am leaving behind. I hate what my brother planned for me, but I still love him and Hector as well. And what have I done to my mother? She's lost her husband and now I've taken her only daughter from her as well? Is he worth it? Is anyone?
But unfortunately for now I must live this new life that I've forced myself into and at least give it a chance. No doubt my mother and brothers have gotten the letters I left with Effie, or they will get them soon. I cannot even begin to wonder what their reactions will be. Hector, I imagine, will think it is frightful good fun, but I know mother and Justinius will not share that opinion in the least. I must be a horribly selfish person for hurting this like this.
I do know that I want out of Parnassus though, no matter what was to come to pass. After last night at the Nereus ... I do not know if I can even put the memories to paper now, they are too vile to revisit. That mongrel woman ... gods I know she helped us, but I can't imagine even ... It is strange, Empyreans have no problems with the nude form. We exalt it in our art and the baths are filled with the unclothed and there has never been a problem. But those *men*, they have no self control! Crude and rough and uncivilized and ... I've just signed up with them.
Dear glorious Apollo, what have I done?
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| Date: | 2005-02-03 12:37 |
| Subject: | One Trunk |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  conflicted |
One trunk.
Suddenly my life has been reduced to the contents of one trunk. Which items do I count the most precious and which must be left behind? How do I suddenly decide which is more worthy? But is any of it really worthy? They’re just things, aren’t they?
But they’re not just things, they’re reminders and memories of the first twenty-odd years of my life, a life I’m leaving behind. Which memories are more important and can some memories really be more important than others? I look around my chambers now as I pack in silence and notice small details that are suddenly of great importance, if only because I know I’ll likely never see them again. The paintings, the sculptures, the books, the life, it’s all slipping away from me and the loss is beginning to hurt, even if I was the one to turn it loose in the first place.
No, I have to keep telling myself that they are just things and some things are far more important than material possessions. Love. Freedom. Those are more important than a chiton or a painting or a book, aren’t they?
Now I’m doubting myself again, doubting my choices when I know in my heart I am doing the right thing. My mind wants reasons, and the reasons my heart gives do not seem to satisfy it. I hear my mother’s voice in my head, her instructions from when I was a child, her teaching on duty and loyalty and faithfulness to our people and our House. They come like a scolding now because I’d turning my back on all of that. But papa’s voice is worse because it is not scolding, but sad.
Oh papa, I love you more than I could put to paper. The words sound so hollow and foreign and nothing I could say would truly express my heartache now. I know you always wanted the best for me, I know you wanted me to marry well and give you lots of grandchildren and perhaps one day, if the gods were good, I’d sit on the throne as Empress. Papa, I’m so sorry I cannot give you that but you wanted me to be happy and I am, I really and honestly am. My life must be my own now and sometimes difficult decisions must be made.
Now that I am actually doing this thing it is harder than I ever imagined it would be, but the things that really matter, that we really want aren’t always easy, are they? One of my tutors told me that. I finally believe that now. If I wanted easy I could remain in Civitas Dei and be married off and live the life I’ve always lived and nothing would change.
But I’ve been changed and I cannot go back. I am going to miss my life and my comforts but if I remained in Civitas Dei and married Princeps Vesperides I would miss Sebastian more, much more. To know that I had the opportunity but failed to take it would eat at me forever, I know it would.
So the world will become my new trunk and it will be filled with experiences I’ve never even dreamed of and opportunities that have never been offered to me. They are not things, but I’ll treasure them just as deeply and this diary will become my memory. I’m ready to go.
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zea_odyssey's journal
determined
embarrassed
curious
miserable